4 months

Saigon, VN

4 months. Roughly 122 days and 2920 hours.

You would think that 4 months is long, and technically it is. In 4 months, you could have completed a whole semester or finished a summer internship. But, despite those big numbers I’ve said before, they all seem so small once you go through them.

It’s currently mid-July. I’m still on my summer break after a stressful first year of college and doing nothing but enjoying my well-deserved leisure and boujee life. There’s no way I’m working myself to the bone when I haven't been back home for a whole year. I gravely miss my family and, like every kid, misses their mom’s cooking. I especially love my mom’s canh chua cá and bánh xèo, and will rant to anyone willing to listen for an hour.

Back to the point, I have - so far - been back home for a little more than two months now. And during that time, I didn’t do everything I wanted. You see, at the end of spring semester 2021, I made a plan on how to spend my summer break. I would volunteer at my local hospital, work out, and sneak some studying for the next semester. News flash — that wasn’t the case. I somehow morphed into my younger self upon returning to my childhood home. Those of which consisted of following my mom wherever she went, eating, sleeping and drawing.

As for the plan, I only really achieved one thing which was to work out if you count going to the gym two times this past month. The studying would be saved for later in August so all the info would stay fresh in my mind (shout out to Linda for sending me her notes from Summer 1). But the thing that I wasn’t even able to do that I struggled with the most was my volunteer work.

At first, I shamed myself for not doing so. Wallowing in self-pity and disappointment at my incapabilities and actions. Even when I wasn’t having a bad day, there was always that lingering plague of thought in the back of my mind.

‘You have 4 months, why aren’t you doing anything with yourself? Look at your friends who already got internships while you’re here doing nothing. How can you expect to go into med school at this rate?”

Those were the things I constantly told myself as I scrolled through any media site whether it be Instagram, Tik Tok or LinkedIn. I think after a whole year of being in a department filled with overachieving pre-med kids, it kinda screwed with my perspective on my self-worth and value.

Yes — working somewhere would be beneficial to my resume right now. I could strengthen my experience and seem more ahead. Keyword “seem”. All of this is speculation for something that is marginally small in the grand scheme of things.

At one point I just had to take a step back and reevaluate what I wanted in the period I was back home. Do I want to isolate myself again from family and be off at work, or appreciate the little time I have before having to go back? I think you could tell which one I ended up taking.

You see, I had been away from home since the age of 14 and my sister was at college during that time. Going to boarding school in North America for high school meant that family time was very limited in my household. Summers and winter breaks were the few times we could regroup and catch up on the months we’ve spent away. No matter how used to living far from home I am, there’s nothing that quite quenches the homesickness in your stomach. For me, at least, you just learn to distract yourself with everything happening right at that moment.

So taking all of that into consideration, it led me to question what defines “productivity”. Of course, it’s no excuse to be lazy all the time. But it had me thinking about what we considered productive or not. Does it have to be when there are tangible results and quantitative values? Of course, most people find the answer to this obvious. But given how most capitalistic societies are structured, we can often forget the importance of qualitative experiences. The journey to fulfilling your emotional and personal needs is just as important as building your professional career.

" So what now?"

When you think about it, it’s all about balance. You hear it many times before and you’ll hear it again, but life is all about balance. There is no need to rush to always be on the grind, nor is there an excuse to do nothing and never move forward. The human experience is multi-faceted; a complicated road that requires moments of acceleration and deceleration. I, for one, am currently in the deescalating phase of my year.

How would I like to end this? Nothing is ever permanent. What you can’t do now can be done later as long as you put your mind to it. Heck — I’m applying to Mass General Hospital as a volunteer this fall semester. In addition, alongside Linda, I’ll resume my research in the physics lab that I’m a part of this fall. So a key reminder for myself and to anyone reading this - even if I pause for a bit, I can keep moving forward one step at a time.

- Dieu Anh