Imposter Syndrome

Albany, NY

I almost wanted to drop out of college. It was a thought that lasted a single second in my entire life, but I still shudder at the fact that it came to mind just 3 months into the first semester.

I graduated with honors and a 4.0 GPA in high school more than a year ago, and I was confident in my academic capability when approaching college. Even if I was a little nervous, that was always the case whenever I was in a new environment. Eventually, I would just get used to it in due time. Eventually, I would come out alive and thriving…right?

As I excitedly attended all of my courses for the first few weeks, I didn’t yet realize just how different of a plane field I was on. How almost everyone is on the same academic level and experience as me in every single class and section. While I was too busy trying to be better, be smarter, and be more capable, I failed to realize that I was basically the same as the rest of my peers.

Afterall, this university is a very elite and selective school. Even after I received my first exam score, I didn’t allow it to be a dealbreaker for me. Just like always, I would pep myself up with: “ It’s just the first exam, now you know how to maneuver through the future ones.” But by the second one, I had come to to two realizations: 1. There were a lot of people who were “better” than me. 2. And perhaps the most damning one, I wasn’t special.

If my adolescent years were me carefully and precisely placing all the dominos in a pleasing line, then my exam scores were knocking them down ruthlessly. My scores aren’t considered “terrible” because most of them landed in the 80s. They were average; not above average; not outstanding; not decent enough for my comfort.

Coming to this realization, my self-esteem and mental health came crashing down. I’d put up a glee front whenever I was with my friends, but as soon as I got back to my room, , I would crash onto my bed and just sigh in exhaustion and defeat. The question that I’d always ask myself was: “What do I do?”

I started to skip classes and send emails to professors saying I was sick or that I have appointments. I’d leave my assignments and studies towards the due date because, honestly, I had this mentality of “why bother?”

The weather got colder and the days got shorter, and before I knew it, it was already midterm season. I would lay on my bed and scroll through Tik Tok while my roommate studied hours on end at her desk. During this time, my self esteem hit an all time low and my negative thoughts ran rampant. Anytime I’d go to the bathroom to clean myself up, I had to face my reflection in the mirror. I couldn’t recognize the girl looking back at me as…me.

Do I deserve to be here? Why is it that I don’t feel successful even if I study and put all my efforts into my classes? Am I not smart enough? Am I not good enough?

Questions like these kept circulating throughout my head until I finally thought: Should I just drop out? I stared at myself in horror and snapped back into reality. Why would I think of that? The mere thought of it incurred an immediate guilt in my body. At that very moment, all I’d remember was hurrying back to my dorm and pulling out my notebook. What seemed like something that I hadn’t done in forever ended that night, as I started studying for my bio class out of shame.

Thinking back to that time, I can now find the situation a bit funny. The idea that I scared myself into studying has become an amusing memory for current-me to reminisce on. Nevertheless, I’d eventually talked it out with some of my online friends after weeks of keeping it in. Being able to discuss my emotions served as a much needed catharsis. It made me relieved to know that I wasn’t the only one suffering with imposter syndrome. In a sea of incredibly capable and intelligent kids, how could anyone stand a chance to stand out? It was such an isolating experience and mentality to have, so seeing that I wasn’t alone in my feelings helped me realize that this was normal.

It’s not an understatement to say that my first semester was rough. But by the second semester, I found my footing again. Although, having to navigate the fact that you’re constantly competing with your peers is an odd feeling — especially when you know they’re just as or smarter than you. Still, these are things you just have to accept as mental challenges to keep pushing forward. What matters most is that you focus on yourself, treat these obstacles as a final boss level, and win.

- Ivy